Anarchy Mommy

I recently finished an 18 month course of cognitive & behavioral therapy. I am a survivor of multiple victimizations, as many women are. Some were experienced in childhood, some as an adult.

I wish I could say my experiences with trauma and it’s results were unique. Sadly, they are not.

While I don’t identify as “A Victim”, I do identify as a Survivor. It is a badge of honor and pride to live fully, healthfully after trauma. To strive to live without shame, guilt, or merciless hypervigilant fear.

Getting to the healthiest point you can is a journey. I wasn’t always as well equipped as I am today. And hopefully years from now I’ll have even better tools than today.

“Born Bad” was the term we gave my former way of thinking and behaving. It was my mental software virus, so to speak,  imperceptable to nearly everyone, including myself, but running constantly in the background. It colored every interpretation of life and people. My place, within the hierarchy of life as “Born Bad”, was below. Less worthy.

Why? “Born Bad” was my way of trying to take power for things I had no power over during points of victimhood.  I, like many survivors, was unable to accept that I had been powerless, blameless for abuses. Or deliberately targetted by predatory individuals.

To accept this would be to see the world and it’s people in a way “Good Girls” didn’t: the world would piss me off. I would have to see and blame many people (both involved and auxillary – offender, neighbor, family), the situations, and court system clearly. They failed me or threw me out. There was no protection. At the time, I didn’t want to, could not accept this.

As a result I slipped into believing I had deserved the abuse because I had been “Born Bad”. Of course people and institutions didn’t help or back me up, I wasn’t worth it. I didn’t deserve the good other people did. It was false, but it explained everything so neatly. I fit perfectly, snugly into this premade box.

So what happened when I got good things/people/situations? I was always waiting for or expecting them to end. Because it was a mistake, I was a fraud in my mind. Life or people would find out I wasn’t a good, normal person. The goodness would disappear again. So I deliberately ran. Dutifully accepted the punishment the “Judge” in me meted out through abusive jobs, relationships, etc.

Enter therapy.

It was time, after much self abuse, to answer crucial questions about who I was, why I made certain decisions, what my value was & where it derived from. Time to stop walking around in a cloud, disconnected from myself in a near-constant state of dissociation from my body and almost everything that went on in life.

It wasn’t easy to unlearn, “Born Bad”. It’s unravelling ellicits an entirely new level of grief: pure, righteous rage. Which is just as important to move through. Feel it, fan it, cheer it. Until you tire of it. And move to the next level in the journey.

There are points I have been a victim and points I have been my own victimizer.  And today, that’s ok with me. I don’t forgive the people who perpetrated my victimhood. I accept my humanity. I have weaknesses, but I am equal to anyone else. And deserve as much.

I want to share with survivors of rape, childhood neglect, domestic abuse, or military combat service (all of whom are prone to ptsd and dissociative disorders):

I highly recommend a psychological therapy called EMDR. If you can find a therapist who offers it, give it a try. It offers faster results than traditional talk therapy, even if it can be tougher. Both the American Psychiatric Association and the Department of Veterans Affairs have it on their highest level for effectiveness in treating trauma and it’s long term symptoms.

It is worth it.