For about a decade I led a lifestyle drastically different to the one I choose now. It was self abusive. I don’t want to go into great detail as it’s now painful for me, my family, and people I love. It was a combination way to punish myself for being “Born Bad” (click here for previous post) and way to pay for a lifestyle I hadn’t dreamt before.
I was married for 8 years to someone who cheered and suggested these decisions. He disagreed with my numerous attempts to start leaving the lifestyle, the money, the spoils. We lived off my profits alone for many years and the toys/house/cars/nightlife got bigger and bigger. While my desire to end this circus got stronger. We were, obviously, not positive forces in one another’s lives.
Sometimes people are there to benefit from your weakness, not your strengths and happiness. Realizing this is a good indication for change.
I ended the relationship, entered therapy, and slowly started un-doing the complicated, empty life I’d built.
The choices made, I’m not proud of them because they wound up hurting me and people I love. They’re not a big part of my current life. Therefore they won’t be discussed much, if at all, on this blog. But they are part of me and my growth. For the sake of reference I wanted to include this post. I don’t want to consistently make veiled mentions and then have some overblown “coming out” drama.
[...] Now, it was more like 18 months ago. But, yes, like he said, I was sitting on his kitchen floor in Chicago: bleached blonde, underfed, beginning therapy, in recovery from the previous decade. [...]